Painful Remembrance
by crazyarsonist
Summary: As Hinamori lies in a coma, Renji and Kira stay up to keep her company.


**Useless Notes: **I'm baaack.

**Disclaimer: **The only decent thing I own here is the story. Everything else belongs to KT.

_**xxxxxxxxxx**_

"_Friendship is everything. Friendship is more than talent. It is more than government. It is almost the equal of family. Never forget that." _

_- Don Corleone, The Godfather_

**Painful Remembrance**

Empty silence fills the room as Kira sits by the bed, his elbows resting on his knees and his eyes focused on some unseen target across the room. The quiet is unnerving and even in the deathly silence, Kira's thoughts refuse to do the same. A million of them rush simultaneously in his mind, so much that the quiet in the room is far from peaceful.

In the silence, Kira is left vulnerable and it's almost as if he's allowing himself to be attacked by unseen demons. Self-pity, self-loathing, guilt, depression, despair and hopelessness.

Hinamori's presence should have calmed him down. It always does. But now, she lies in a coma, eyes unmoving, while her face has become a portrait of serenity. Despite that, Kira only gets aggravated further and the more he can't seem to focus.

Suddenly, the door opens, but Kira doesn't move to greet the newcomer. He recognizes the reiatsu. Weaker than Unohana-taichou and Hitsugaya-taichou's, yet stronger than that of Isane-san's. And besides, who else would check in on Hinamori at this time of night?

It's Renji.

"How is she?" he greets, even if both of them already know the answer.

Kira shakes his head. "Still asleep."

He feels Renji pull a chair from the side of the adjacent (empty) bed and drag it beside him. The redhead sits himself down on it and starts to stare into the adjacent wall, probably trying to find Kira's imaginary target.

"Feel like talking?" he asks gently, casting a sidelong glance at his friend.

It takes some time before Kira decides to talk and soon after the question's been asked, silence begins to descend again. But Renji understands. He leans back into his chair and waits patiently for Kira to open up.

"Everything's happening way too fast," he starts. "Na, Abarai-kun?"

"Kira…" Renji groans, about to reprimand Kira again for using the (unnecessary) honorific. But he stops, lets it go and waits for Kira to continue.

"The three of us…" he starts again, as if Renji never spoke. "We've been together since we met at the Academy. Ever since my parents died, I didn't have that much friends. But then I met you and Hinamori-kun and since that day… it's always been you guys I've seen as my family."

Renji keeps his silence and starts staring at the wall again. Since he entered the Academy, Renji knows he's felt the same. Even after Rukia went off and got adopted, Kira and Hinamori had stayed by his side, promising never to leave him alone.

"And now the years have gone by in a blur and so many things have happened… Aizen-taichou's a traitor and so is Ichimaru-taichou. I've raised my sword at Hinamor-kun and Rangiku-san. And now, _now_… I don't know what to think anymore…

"Ichimaru-taichou's gone and Hinamori-kun's lying on this bed and now I don't know if she's awake or not!"

Kira holds his head in his arms and Renji's eyes soften as he sees his friend finally break down under the pressure.

"You know Kira," he starts. "This isn't any of your fault."

"I know that Abarai-kun…" Kira moaned and raised his head to face Renji. "But it doesn't _help_, you know? Not one damn bit."

The other man lets out an exhale and before the silence can build up again, Renji starts to talk softly. So soft, that if it weren't for the heavy silence, Kira wouldn't have heard a thing.

"I know how you feel." Renji glanced at Kira, who was facing the wall. "When I heard Rukia was going to be executed for what she did to Ichigo, I felt the same way too. I was blaming no one else but myself for what happened. If only I'd acted better, if only I'd held onto her longer… If only I wasn't such an _ass_…"

Kira remained silent. He remembered that time as well.

"It took me a long time to realize that what I was thinking wasn't doing me any good," he went on. "It took me a long time to realize that it wasn't my fault. And not too long after that, even if she didn't have to, Rukia forgave me. And pretty soon after that, I forgave myself too."

Kira's face remained impassive, but it was clear to Renji that he was still hurting. It would probably take Kira a long time to forgive himself. Maybe even longer than the time it took Renji to do the same.

"If only Hinamori could hear you now…" Renji smiled. "She'd be so worried."

"Her smile seems like a memory from long ago." Kira nodded slowly. "God, how I miss it."

His companion closed his eyes and let out a long exhale. "Our days at the Academy seem so long ago, don't they…"

"If only we could go back then, back when things were simple."

"Back when the worst thing that could happen was a bad grade." Renji chuckled. "Now, with the taichou still injured, I've been put in charge of the Division. Ain't easy work, lemme tell you that."

"Well, at least your taichou's still coming back." Kira sighed and hung his head. "I don't think mine'll be coming back ever."

"I could kill him for you if you want." Renji shrugged simply.

"Oh no, please don't." Kira smiled weakly. "I can't bear to lose another friend."

"Whassamatter Kira, you lookin' down on my abilities?" the bigger man grinned widely, obviously flattered by what his blond friend said.

Kira chuckled. "Hardly."

Renji scoffed a bit, his shark-grin still plastered on his face while beside him, Kira smiled and shook his head.

"You haven't changed at all." Kira remarked suddenly, causing Renji to somber down. "Back at the Academy, you were so arrogant and confident and thick-headed…"

This drew a soft chuckle from his friend.

"And now, you're still exactly the same… And me?"

Beside him, Renji sighed. "You, Kira…" he said sadly. "You've changed a lot."

"I've changed a lot." Kira repeated, his eyes gazing sadly down at the floor.

"What happened?" Renji let out, as past images of a smiling Kira years ago invaded his mind. "You're not what you used to be."

"I don't know, Abarai-kun…" Kira muttered. "I just don't know."

Silence descended again on the two. The atmosphere grew heavy and there was a bitter air around them, mixed with despair, sadness and nostalgia.

How they wished they could go back to their earlier student days, much when everything was much simpler and less complicated than the world they got caught up in today. How they wished they could go back to those carefree days, back when Hinamori was still that smiling girl they grew to love and protect.

Back then, Hinamori was the emotional lifesaver of the two boys. When Renji needed someone to talk to when Rukia became a Kuchiki, Hinamori was there to keep him company. Everytime Kira needed someone to pour out all his troubles to, Hinamori was there to listen.

Now, she's lying in a bed across them, unconscious, unaware and unawake. With Hinamori in such a fragile and delicate state; to see her lying broken like that in a hospital bed… the two men honestly had no idea what to do.

"I don't know what to do anymore…" Kira moaned to Renji, who listened quietly and patiently. "God, I wish she was here right now. I need her to smile at me, tell me that things will work out. She shouldn't be lying here like this… She's _Hinamori_ for God's sake! She should be smiling and full of energy like how we first met her at the Academy!"

At hearing Kira's sentiments, Renji's eyes softened. He didn't know what else to say to make him feel better, since he was feeling exactly the same way.

"Yeah…" he sighed and closed his eyes sadly. "She should."

And the two left it at that.

Because really, what else is there left to say?

Renji caught Kira's gaze and knowing how his friend felt, he nodded silently, offering his support. And because Renji was a friend, he asked if Kira wanted to go and have a drink. "It's on me," he added.

And Kira, knowing the kind of friend Renji was (that valuable, irreplaceable kind, if nothing else), smiled and accepted his gesture.

"Yeah…" he nodded as Renji started to smile too. "Sure."

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**A/N: **It's been a long time since I've written for Bleach. College's been keeping me out of the scene, you see. Let's hope I haven't gotten rusty.

Thanks for reading!


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